Dear boys.. Be a gentleman!

I am writing this post seriously for the sake of other women. I found it totally unfair the way most boys treat women.
NOTE : To avoid bias-ing, I'd consider writing one about how women should react when they encounter such problem and how they should behave! (Dear ladies.. Guard your heart!)

Let's generalize this. What is the most common scenario on how boys pursuing women?

A boy meets a girl at church -> She seems charming -> He approaches -> They converse personally (through online messenger, in a regular basis) -> Both meet (either considered as a date or hangout) -> She gives her heart (seriously she wouldn't want to talk to you regularly if she's not interested) -> He's bored or he thinks they couldn't make it -> He stops his chase (either smoothly or not) -> Not leaving any statement -> She hates him (I'm kidding, but boy you broke her heart!)

NAH!

So what am I supposed to do? a boy asked.

Scenario : Both meet in a church/community 

1. ATTRACTION

He might be attracted to her appearance. Don't get me wrong! Boys are very visual specimens. The way a girl looks, the way she dresses, the way she talks, the way she impresses him with her skills, or anything reachable by his eyes!
Ok, he thinks she's cool, what will he do next?
if he's an active person -> He will probably come to her after Sunday church and start chit chats
if he's rather passive -> He will wait for the right moment (while admiring her from behind)
What to do instead..
A gentleman never comes out of nowhere approach that girl and asking for her number at a first place, or never just randomly asking her out!
Why are you not allowed to do this:

• This delivers the idea that you are really interested in her (what's probably on a girl's mind; He likes me! he talks to me out of hundreds people in this church, he's asking for my number! he will definitely ask me for a date soon!)
• Ok, you are just interested in her and you just want to know her more, only to see whether she's a right fit for you (boys, you can get to know her in group instead, rather than specifically asking her number and chat her personally)

2. OBSERVING
While there is nothing wrong with this stage, observing, admiring the girl you like from behind, scanning a bit more by asking your friends about her, be aware with idolatry! (I know what you think in this stage! Don't over-stalk or even fantasizing immoral things)
What to do instead..

• If you are new at church, try considering to join church activities, contribute to what you can do in church, like ushering, fellowship groups, worship teams, or anything you find suits most to your personality. This way is easier for you to be visible, and improving the chance to get in touch with her without looking awkward, especially when she's joining too!
• Who are the people within her circle? observe with whom she's befriend and surround herself with. Her friends are her influences, so this way you can see if you can fit in her surroundings.

3. DISCOVERING

• Ask your friends who are in the same group with her, or someone who might know her personally to introduce you to her as friends (be careful not to reveal your feeling yet!) stay guarded! in this stage you may plan a group outing, a group activity, casual hangouts, or even better, Bible study group! (and promise not to be disappointed if she's not coming).
• This is a win-win situation for both sides, you can see how she acts casually and naturally around her and your friends. Do talk to her more, ask things about her hobbies, what she does in her free time, her interests, mostly general things, or things you both are into (you may show a bit interest but be careful not to express too much + avoid flirting!), and she can better prepare her heart during this stage.
• The purpose of this stage is to allow both of you to be just yourself!

4. ASKING
In this stage you are getting deeper. Do ask for guidance and advices from senior, wiser brothers from your church, you may even ask a pastor or anyone you feel comfortable and can keep you on the right track! in this stage you can begin to specifically pray for this woman and see how God leads you or if this is the right feeling. (Actually the sooner the better, I would advise to start praying as soon you have the spark so you won't get swayed!)

• Ask for counseling, guidance, and advices from older, wiser brothers
• Begin to specifically pray for her and ask for God's lead
• Cross check, are you ready to commit into more serious relationship?
• Check on herself too (her personality, her character, her values, her spiritual journey..) (I will help you to break down the characteristics of a Godly woman)

5. IMPLEMENTING
The last stage on how to approach the woman you finally come into conclusion that you intent to get to know her deeper is to be honest with her! to be honest means..

• Tell her your intention first and upright. Tell her in person that you are interested in her, you have prayed for her, you think that you both are a good fit and that you are seriously considering to move into deeper relationship (courtship, not dating) and ready to commit for marriage
• Ask if she is open to consider taking your relationship to the next stage (she might ask you for a time to pray or consider.. it's alright!)
• If she said no, it's ok. It's not your fault, there is nothing wrong with you. Maybe she is not in the right moment to be in a committed relationship, or God is trying to do something in her life that she needs to focus on, or God just closed the door. (in this state, you may move on - take it slowly, ask what God wants you to learn from this experience. You can still support her as a good friend) 
• If she said yes, you go man! keep praying for your relationship, this doesn't promise anything to marriage. You both are just one step ahead closer, means you start open up about your vulnerabilities, insecurities, more personal and deeper talks (as you both are progressing in more serious commitment - leading to marriage

Most common questions :

1. What if I met this super attractive girl outside of Church?
- No matter where you met her, through social media, Tinder, Paktor, in a Café, Bar, Club, Restaurant, in a Party, or whatever.. First of all, I won't recommend you to consider someone you meet online seriously. A mistake from the beginning. Also, how impressive she might be for you to consider approaching her boldly in crowdy situation? ok let's say she gets some aura.
You may talk to her, try and see if you can create a mutually interested conversation for at least 20 minutes. It went well. Great, ask her if she's willing to go to church with you on Sunday. You know the rest.

2. I met this amazing girlfriend through online/ those place mentioned.. and we are doing okay!
- I believe everyone has their own love story, and I won't judge. I know friends who met through Instagram and are still doing great! I also know some who spent time knowing each other and met in church but ended up hurting each other. what I wrote down above are the most effective, safest and most gentleman ways for you as a man to pursue the woman you have set your eyes on.

3. But still, isn't this only beneficial for the girls since they decide in the end? isn't it safer for me if I just play it along and see if it works?
- I'm glad she didn't end up with someone like you, she deserves better man.

4. What if I have made the wrong move already? I mean, I talked to her, she's a great woman, but I'm not sure yet..
- I bet you didn't tell her your intention. You may be aware with her feeling towards you, but you're probably unsure. What you can do now is..

• Tell her about how you feel, that you are interested but still unsure. Also do consider what she thinks about this situation.
• You may tell her that you need a break, that you need to think and pray (you may ask her to pray, too) In this situation, expect her to not wanting to keep in touch with you anymore (she might consider you as a betrayal)
• Tell her how long you will get back, I would say 1 week - 1 month is the safest period. Sincerely apologize if you ended up with a no.
• Ask her what she thinks if you ended up with a yes.
• Repeat 4th and 5th stage, adapted to your situation.

"Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."

- Philippians 2:4

To put it simply, treat other women like how you want your mother/sister to be treated.

Do let me know if you have any other questions on your mind!

Much love,

Selina