Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?
We all agree that Snow White is the most beautiful one inside her story. Stated that she's beautiful inside, and outside.
But what if the Mirror told the Witch that she just has to be kinder to be the "fairest"?
Throwback
Elementary School
I was never an it-girl at school, no friend to share the coloring book in pre-school, and all I remember was people were exchanging my crayons with theirs since mine was still intact and theirs were broken, split in half. I didn't want to exchange my crayons, but I had too.
No girl-friend to play the Barbie dress-up with. There was also a moment where two of the it-girls during my elementary school year approached me and whispered directly to my ears saying that I was ugly. I had no friend to share during lunch break except when my cousin asked me to join her. There was also one time where my pocket money was "taken" by my senior. More-less summing up my elementary school.
Junior High School
Junior High School
Entering junior high school, The pretty gang(s) and the "ordinary" differences were very obvious, there were boundaries.
During my second year in high school, I tried to test my bravery-by taking part in a student council. Of course, I had to join one activity I hated most, a retreat. A student council training which required 2/3 days of sleepovers.
Here is it, one case that happened during the training. The prettiest, multi-talented, loved girl was walking in front of me where I was right behind her. Something in front of her just fell out of its place and the student council's trainer, instead of her who stood closer to pick up the stuff, told me, who was standing behind, to pick that thing up. As a junior high school student at that time, one moment definitely left a mark.
There were also moments where my dad's friends are comparing me and my younger sister, another moment was someone at church putting up a statement saying my sister looks prettier, another one a stranger in the market raised a joke comparing how different me and my sister look like. These sound so bad even for a joke.
Senior High School
During my second year in high school, I tried to test my bravery-by taking part in a student council. Of course, I had to join one activity I hated most, a retreat. A student council training which required 2/3 days of sleepovers.
Here is it, one case that happened during the training. The prettiest, multi-talented, loved girl was walking in front of me where I was right behind her. Something in front of her just fell out of its place and the student council's trainer, instead of her who stood closer to pick up the stuff, told me, who was standing behind, to pick that thing up. As a junior high school student at that time, one moment definitely left a mark.
There were also moments where my dad's friends are comparing me and my younger sister, another moment was someone at church putting up a statement saying my sister looks prettier, another one a stranger in the market raised a joke comparing how different me and my sister look like. These sound so bad even for a joke.
Senior High School
What's on everyone's mind about senior high school? glamorous, prom night, once in a lifetime, the best moment ever, pranks, chic hang-outs, first boyfriend or first girlfriend, drama, being popular, and sort of star-listed high school moments, first kisses, cool gangs, having the best of the best friends.
I was between the boys' conversations and jokes about me being in the list of the ugliest in my batch. I never thought I was that "ugly" until the majority told me otherwise.
Not mentioning lots of comparison between me and other girls during those days.
I committed that I wouldn't stay in Indonesia after I graduated high school, I wanted to start afresh, far from my hometown. Paris was the city I'm blessed to ever take a step, to breathe in, and to have the most freedom to be just who I am.
University Years
And yes, university life was actually much better. I got the opportunity to pursue my higher study at literally the prettiest place on earth, I got good grades and GPA, my friends were nice to me, though still, there were moments where things are clear that the prettier and the popular were treated differently, there was partiality between the average and the prettier, even not explicitly shown.
I learned to be more accepting of myself during my university years, to love myself, to listen to my inner self, and starting to focus on the areas I'm good at instead. I can wear whatever I like, put on red makeup and bare face without anyone's judgment, have much time for myself and treasure what I like. I gained more self-confidence. I was happier, I felt prettier, my parents are very supportive of me, and I feel so loved.
I cut my hair to the shortest point anyone could ever imagine. I had it boy-cut shaved when I just owned my longest hair minutes before. I thought I could change my image and stop caring about everyone's judgment about physical appearance. Turned out so much better! I stopped being insecure because I know I was out of this world's beauty standard since I cut my hair short (society values long hair much better than a woman with short hair).
But, it turned out to be a temporary solution. I may deny myself physically, but could my heart really hold it?
2018-2019
Still, growing up as a stronger adult doesn't refrain me from not hearing negative comments. I've been in a situation where I was between boys' discussions about me not attractive enough and my look is just "average", that one of them would swap me with other prettier girls, that he wouldn't be proud bringing me in public.
The latest most hurtful thing I've ever heard is that someone said behind my back that I should never expect myself to be treated the same or better than "this girl" since we're already on different levels even physically. He said how can a Toyota be treated better than a Mercedes? (I was the Toyota and she was the Mercedes). In conclusion, he stated that I simply don't deserve to be treated better.
Those horror words haunted me and brought so much past traumas back that I thought would never come back, traumas that I've been trying for years to bury, to reconcile with and to fight for. I cried and brought this horrifying feeling with me for months, without anyone knowing. I was being more careful with my steps, my decisions and on how I should behave, to the point, I could not carry this burden with me anymore. I decided to tell my sister. She told me "you might not be a Mercedes for him, but for some people, you are a Mercedes" And this sentence, that was gold.
I broke in endless tears. I love you, Felin, being your sister is one of the best things ever happened in my life.
I pitied this society we're living in, where someone's value is measured by our appearance level.
I felt so bad for myself that I had to carry all of those burdens for years and only starting to open up to people when I reached 20.
There were moments where I refused to believe and accept compliments, there were days where I cried in public because I was not strong enough to defend and support myself.
Insecurity is toxic, killing, treacherous, malignant, and extremely harmful.
Today
Not mentioning lots of comparison between me and other girls during those days.
I committed that I wouldn't stay in Indonesia after I graduated high school, I wanted to start afresh, far from my hometown. Paris was the city I'm blessed to ever take a step, to breathe in, and to have the most freedom to be just who I am.
University Years
And yes, university life was actually much better. I got the opportunity to pursue my higher study at literally the prettiest place on earth, I got good grades and GPA, my friends were nice to me, though still, there were moments where things are clear that the prettier and the popular were treated differently, there was partiality between the average and the prettier, even not explicitly shown.
I learned to be more accepting of myself during my university years, to love myself, to listen to my inner self, and starting to focus on the areas I'm good at instead. I can wear whatever I like, put on red makeup and bare face without anyone's judgment, have much time for myself and treasure what I like. I gained more self-confidence. I was happier, I felt prettier, my parents are very supportive of me, and I feel so loved.
I cut my hair to the shortest point anyone could ever imagine. I had it boy-cut shaved when I just owned my longest hair minutes before. I thought I could change my image and stop caring about everyone's judgment about physical appearance. Turned out so much better! I stopped being insecure because I know I was out of this world's beauty standard since I cut my hair short (society values long hair much better than a woman with short hair).
But, it turned out to be a temporary solution. I may deny myself physically, but could my heart really hold it?
 |
| When I had my longest hair - Spring 2017 |
 |
| No trials, first shortest haircut - Spring 2017 |
 |
| Second shortest haircut (the shortest I've ever had) - August 2017 |
2018-2019
Still, growing up as a stronger adult doesn't refrain me from not hearing negative comments. I've been in a situation where I was between boys' discussions about me not attractive enough and my look is just "average", that one of them would swap me with other prettier girls, that he wouldn't be proud bringing me in public.
The latest most hurtful thing I've ever heard is that someone said behind my back that I should never expect myself to be treated the same or better than "this girl" since we're already on different levels even physically. He said how can a Toyota be treated better than a Mercedes? (I was the Toyota and she was the Mercedes). In conclusion, he stated that I simply don't deserve to be treated better.
Those horror words haunted me and brought so much past traumas back that I thought would never come back, traumas that I've been trying for years to bury, to reconcile with and to fight for. I cried and brought this horrifying feeling with me for months, without anyone knowing. I was being more careful with my steps, my decisions and on how I should behave, to the point, I could not carry this burden with me anymore. I decided to tell my sister. She told me "you might not be a Mercedes for him, but for some people, you are a Mercedes" And this sentence, that was gold.
I broke in endless tears. I love you, Felin, being your sister is one of the best things ever happened in my life.
I pitied this society we're living in, where someone's value is measured by our appearance level.
There were moments where I refused to believe and accept compliments, there were days where I cried in public because I was not strong enough to defend and support myself.
Insecurity is toxic, killing, treacherous, malignant, and extremely harmful.
Today
I believe that healing is real, I believe that it's possible to fight my insecurity. And I believe that God allowed things to happen for a better reason we sometimes couldn't comprehend. I'm healthier than I was before, a physical attraction does not really bother me that much anymore.
I'm fully aware that my insecurity and my worry will come again but I know we are stronger than our insecurities, that we are in control of it and praying is always the best mantra to fight back.
“She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.” - Proverbs 31:25
How to cope with insecurity?
Put in mind that overcoming insecurity is not an instant process, it's not one single determination and then to expect it'll be gone forever, it's not. It's an up and down battle, it requires multiple persistence, loads of perseverance, and lots of sacrifices. There will come a time where you feel like you're healed and there will also be moments where the insecurity comes back to the surface again. It's a never-ending battle, but it's not impossible! In the end, you have to win this war against yourself (not anyone), and trust me you will find yourself fully bloomed one day.
1. EMBRACE THE PROCESS
Instead of coping with insecurity, embrace the process of healing. Like I mentioned earlier, nothing great comes easy. So keep on believing that you can pass this. So when your insecurity knocks the door again, you know what to do.
Wake up, get up and don't let yourself get attached with negativity, overthink, drama, the "what-ifs", or the past. Get out of your comfort zone and don't feed your mind with the things that never actually happen. You haven't even seen the tip of the end of the battle yet, so don't jump too fast into the conclusion!
Instead of coping with insecurity, embrace the process of healing. Like I mentioned earlier, nothing great comes easy. So keep on believing that you can pass this. So when your insecurity knocks the door again, you know what to do.
Wake up, get up and don't let yourself get attached with negativity, overthink, drama, the "what-ifs", or the past. Get out of your comfort zone and don't feed your mind with the things that never actually happen. You haven't even seen the tip of the end of the battle yet, so don't jump too fast into the conclusion!
2. LEARN TO FORGIVE
Learn to forgive. Forgive yourself and forgive the ones that hurt you. Pray for the ones that hurt you the most, especially if it is someone close to you. Forgiving is unconditional. "The key is not forgetting, the key is learning to see it through the lens of grace and God's sovereignty and discovering how He can turn bad things into good in your life if you'll trust Him and respond in the right way." (Love Forgives, Rick Warren)
"Love isn't selfish or quick-tempered. It doesn't keep a record of wrongs that others do" (1 Corinthians 13:5)
I learn to keep honest moments close to my heart. The ones that are the most human. I tried to forgive myself. to stop thinking that I didn't deserve to be loved, to stop thinking that I was invaluable. To make peace with me again, and that sometimes it's okay to not have all the questions answered.
Why bother comparing ourselves with other person's stories, charm, ability to attract, while we can laugh at our quirkiness, or we can smile because this world is full of amazing people out there.
3. KNOW THAT YOU ARE LOVED
If you feel you are not good enough for someone, please don't. God put you in his/her life for a reason, and he/she has chosen to love you. If you ever felt like they deserve someone better, have you ever thought about God? What did we do to ever deserve Him? What did we do to be loved by Him? But God chose to love us anyway, no matter what a mess we are.
Always remember that we are all special in our own ways, isn't it amazing that God put our loved ones' eyes to see the good things in us we often miss?
I know how hard it is to focus on your inner self while others are talking about your outer self, and it's like an endless battle within your inner self, between wanting to deny or accept.
I understand how difficult it is to fight back for this, but dear, you are courageous, and you can finish the battle.Someone out there is praying for you, and see the shine that you don't see you have inside of you.
4. TALK IT OUT
Maybe what you're facing is not physically-related insecurity, Maybe you are left with a broken trust from someone close to your heart.. it might be relationship insecurity, an insecurity that makes you feel you are not good enough, or one that left you with a trauma.
No matter what kind of insecurity you are facing, you have to talk it out, it's important to express how you're feeling, and please wait because nothing comes in an instant, it doesn't mean that you have to try so hard to bury everything all at once, and there's no need to press your emotion. Pressing your emotion is like pressing a sore hand, you know it hurts but you keep on pressing it, it won't stop the pain.
The only way is to heal the injury.
Getting counseling from a professional helps too, I had my sessions and I feel better each time. I know I got the right advice and realize I'm moving toward healing.
If you're not comfortable in getting a professional, talk to someone you can lean on for her advice, or you may try talking to a pastor in your church or a senior friend you trust.
Getting the right person to share with is important as they will help to guide you throughout the process, so make sure you don't talk to just anyone.
5. FOCUS ON YOUR SHINE
Think about something you're always proud of doing, discover your hidden talent, set up a new goal, do something you've always wanted to do, be an inspiration, sing, dance, read, write, fill yourself with positivity. Get committed to becoming the best version of yourself.
Lose the kilograms you've always wanted to, get to do the hardest detox if necessary to kill your acne problem, go for meditation and a long walk to clear up your mind, sing the songs you've always wanted to hum in public, play the notes on your piano and your guitar strings, write as much as you want, dream as much as you can, love as much as your heart can hold, and listen to yourself.
Do something good to yourself everyday. Look at the mirror and bring out the courage to compliment yourself every morning. Drink a glass of water as you wake up, breathe slowly and whisper a little prayer. Shout a positive affirmation as you walk out your room, possibly a little whistle or humming to your favorite song. Take time to love yourself.
You look the best when you laugh, when you are the most confident, when you are doing a small token of gratitude. Be a reason behind someone else's smile, get a cheap sense of humor so that you can laugh even at the simplest thing. Be humble, and warm, and loving, and be yourself.
Take a moment. What are your strengths?
6. CHOOSE KINDNESS
You can never change how people see in you, but you can always choose to be kind. Wherever you are, whoever you are, spread only kind words, you never know what it could bring to other people.
Do a random act of kindness and discover the beauty you have from within. Send a love letter to your loved ones and tell them how much they mean to you. Leave a sincere compliment to anyone around you. And make today meaningful.
Think only about the good thing, positive things about people around you. Each of us is fighting a battle you don't know about.
7. PRAY
Closing Chapters
For whoever reading this right now, you are tougher than you think. and you are amazing.
Beautiful is when you know your worth. When you listen to yourself enough, taking care of your appearance, appreciating your body, embracing your flaws, shine in your aura, spreading positivity,
until one point where you realize that your value doesn't decrease based on anyone's inability to see your worth. You gotta believe in yourself. People will come and go, the closest ones will disappoint you, in the end, you got to be your number 1 fan.
Beautiful is being brave to be vulnerable and even braver to stand up over and over again.
You have to love yourself fiercely in order to love others. But self-love doesn't mean being obsessed with oneself. It's about believing in yourself when no one does.
Beautiful is when you know your worth. When you listen to yourself enough, taking care of your appearance, appreciating your body, embracing your flaws, shine in your aura, spreading positivity,
until one point where you realize that your value doesn't decrease based on anyone's inability to see your worth. You gotta believe in yourself. People will come and go, the closest ones will disappoint you, in the end, you got to be your number 1 fan.
Beautiful is being brave to be vulnerable and even braver to stand up over and over again.
You have to love yourself fiercely in order to love others. But self-love doesn't mean being obsessed with oneself. It's about believing in yourself when no one does.
Some people might choose sunflowers and books while the rest might choose roses and wine, and it's okay.
"You have to be so sure in your idea, that you're willing to take that big risk"
-Carol Becker, Dean of Columbia University School of the Arts from Abstract: The Art of Design
This writing is dedicated to Jesus, who brought me out of the darkness. My parents, Alvin, my sister, Felin who believes in me more than I believe in myself, who sees my positive traits more than I do, who always has listening ears to listen to my insecurities and never judge or get tired of it. Vincent, thank you for your endless support and for the love you showered me with.
"My fears are drowned in perfect love. You rescued me and I will stand and sing."
You are fearfully and wonderfully made 💖
Much love,
Selina
Selina
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