Dance With My Father - A Tribute

To be posted on June 17th 2018.

“If I could get another chance, another walk, another dance with him, I'd play a song that would never, ever end. How I'd love, love, love to dance with my father again...” - Dance With My Father, Luther Vandross (Jessica Sanchez's is my favorite version)

It’s Father’s day today. I remember my dad used to play that song on Father’s day on repeat. I didn’t get the message at that time. I didn’t know that song would one day stuck into my heart forever.

Really, If I could have one final dance with him, I’d choose a song that would never end. If I could have another conversation, if I could have another meal with him, another walk, another laugh, another stare, another silence, I would make it to the most.

I lost my dad due to cancer. Everything was so sudden, I was just notified around 2 weeks before he left. So many intense feelings. I remember I put so much faith into this, I prayed so hard like never before, I gambled , I told Jesus if He healed my dad I will devote myself to Him. Was that really necessary? I thought. 
For the very first time in my life, I know how it feels to be really broken. Comparing to my love heartbreaks, they were nothing.
I, we were not ready for the loss, and I realized no matter how much we try to prepare ourselves for it, we will never be ready for the loss of our dearest ones.

I did experience 7 stages of grief. I hated guilt and bargaining parts the most. So many things I've done that must have disappointed him, I wish I could turn back time to change things, so many decisions I wish I had never taken or I had taken. Feeling numb as I'm typing about this.

I wish I could be able to hug him so much more often, talk to him more often, showering him with "I Love You" messages every night and morning. I really wish I could turn back time.

So what did I learn?

I would say I am super blessed to be gifted such an amazing father on earth, I could never ask for a better father figure.
I learn that sometimes we are too focused on other people's problem that we don't even realize our closest ones are in need of our help. We tend to assume that they are just fine, but actually suffering. It doesn't have to be any physical disease, most probably mental health (like how they cope with their daily routines, emotional issue, etc).
I learn to never take anything for granted.
And that time is precious. So I believe when someone invest their time a lot for you, he/she must have treasured you as equal.

Old cards I found from my dad to mom and mom to dad

dad to mom

I wish I could tell him how much I loved him more often..

My mom told me that he used to photocopied articled related to raising children from his favorite reader digest's

I believe he kept this for my brother..

He really was my best source of laughter, my hero, he made me complete. He’s one of the reason I’m grateful for being alive. He is (may I avoid using past tense here?).. one of a kind, the smartest, the most humble, the most caring, the kindest, the warmest, the wisest, the most loving, simply the best man in my life. I believe you'll like him instantly as you talk to him, he's simply amazing.

I thought I would at least get introduce my best guy (my future husband) to my best man (my dad), I used to imagine how beautiful the scenario would be to have 2 of my favorite people having their conversation. Dear future husband, you can't believe how amazing a man he is, but I bet he looks lot like you since bigger chance is that I'd have possibly fallen to you for it! 

I remember a friend of mine asking me about what did I like from a guy I ever had a little “crush” on.. and I couldn’t even say a word of his positive trait! Even more surprised that I was actually able to list down all of this guy’s negative traits instead.. Yet my friend was trying to help me remember, still, unfortunately, his negative traits had his positive ones (which I had no clue until now) covered.

This made realize how so much I am grateful for had known my dad for 20 years, and for having him as my dad.

I’d have won the crying competition just by writing one paragraph about him.

So dearest everyone who still has your father around, and as you are reading this.. no matter how bad or good or how awkward or if you're thinking "Sel, you're lucky to have such a dad to love, but my dad is not as blahblahblah.." please just hug him now! Send him a message of how grateful you are for him, how you love him so much! He's still a dad at heart, he made you become who you are today! I'd consider you are super blessed to have a father you can lean on, to hug, to talk to.

And dearest everyone who had lost your father (or mother), I understand your loss so much, and so is God! I know how deep the hurt is, especially when you lost him in a way you had never imagined. When you miss him, talk to him through prayers, because at least you have created good memories with him, right? Trust me, he is superrrr proud of how strong you have become. 😉 

On one of the most remarkable moment in my life - June 2017

My best man - September 2015

My source of laughters - May 2017

We had so much laugh! - May 2017

Graduation day with my best people on earth! Love them ❤

I laughed SO HARD, SO LONG because he made me did! - May 2017

I may have not him in my arms now, but I can deliver lots of prayers to God for him.
Happy father's day everyone!! Love you bunch! ❤
Much love,


Selina